well well well

sorry that i haven't really written much in here but honestly i havent really been in the mood. i don't really like typing a whole lot. my fingers start to feel sore. today i was with my sister and my dad. i thought that we were going to be with him for an hour tops. but turns out we were with him for about 3 hours. we went to go get lauren's id from the base, then we went to the exchange to just look around. then after that we went to the mall and ate chinese food in the food court. then after that we went to the library and i got like 6 books outta there. then he brought us back home. oh, and did i mention that he gave me $300 for school shopping? and then he said that he's going to give me about 300 or 400 more in two more weeks once he gets paid again. i also didnt expect to get that much money from him. cause honestly i was expecting about $100-$150 at least. i guess today is just filled with surprises. but anyways i promise that my next entry will be sooner and a whole lot longer lol i have a potato salad thats calling my name.

i need to find my way

as of right now, i have absolutely no idea what i want to be. just when i think i've got it all figured out, i start to doubt myself. i just can't seem to find anything that's right for me. i want a job where i can make a good amount of money (i'm talking 80,000 dollars and a year and more). a job where i can have time for myself and for my future family. and where i can have time just for myself. i just wish that i didn't doubt myself all the time. then maybe i could actually get things done. then maybe i could be a little more confident. then maybe i could move on.

where are you now?

i'm not sure how often i'll be posting in here. i've never been good with keeping journals and things like that. but i'm going to try and at least post in here 3 times a week. i like the idea of being able to come back years later and read the things that i wrote. i'm sure that everything that seems important now, i'll laugh about later. i mean, isn't that how life works? my life is pretty boring right now. i don't really have many friends. in fact, the only true friend that i have is my couisn endya. the rest are just whishy washy. i have erica, who i guess i consider to be my best friend. but lately she's been annoying me. she's so needy when it comes to boys and stuff like that. she lets them treat them however they want. it's pathetic if you ask me. you should NEVER need to have a guy to make you complete. i'm sorry but if you can't stand on your own, then you're shit outta luck. my other friend 'shontel' is somewhat of a bad influence. she smokes, drinks, parties and all that. and if i'm going to be totally honest, i don't really like her all that much. i think our so called friendship is mostly based on the fact that i use her and she's just too whatever to see it. but somehow i'm the only true friend she has which is actually pretty sad. and mariah? oh lord. i mean i like her. she's okay. and she's a whole lot of fun. but she's rarely ever serious. but i feel like if she could just become more serious then we could be friends again. i really do. she says that she misses me and i guess i miss her too. but idk. i'm not interested in being made a fool of again. for now i'm just approaching her with caution. now, kayla? she's very hard to read. sometimes i feel like she doesn't even like me. and fyi, you're not supposed to feel that way about your friend. but she's so freaking bipolar. one minute she's happy then the next she's sad or angry or whatever. it's like having to walk on eggshells around her because i don't want to upset her. and quite frankly i'm tired of it. so yeah, in a sense i'm all alone. i have some friends at middleburg....but none that i can really talk to or that or worth mentioning. le sigh. i really need to get out and make some new friends. but idk how. :(