a semi-update FINALLY

lately things have been good and then bad and then good. i havent written in about 2 weeks and i have so much to say but i cant really remember it all. i guess i'll start with yesterday? yesterday school was...okay. it wasnt bad but it wasnt all that good either. i ended up going to the movies with my couisn lady and little sister lauren. before that we went to starbucks, and i got a caramel something or other (i didnt like it) and a ham and swiss panini. then we went to see lottery ticket featuring bow wow. the movie was ghetto as hell lmao. but i liked it. anyways, during the movie i was texting erica and clevon. and somehow but i cant remember clevon said that he was stuck between ronnae and i. :/ so yeah i got pissed because i thought he already had this shit figured out. he tried to get me to talk to him but i honestly didnt feel like talking to him anymore. but he kept texting me so i finally replied back. he said how he really likes me and how he didnt want to hurt me ever and i just basically kept saying stuff like yeah and ok. finally i think he go the picture and stopped texting me.

but an hour later he texted me saying 'guess what' and i honestly wasnt going to reply back but well a huge part of me wanted to see what he wanted so i replied saying 'what?" and can you believe that he said "i'm yours"? my heart almost dropped to the floor and ngl i got scared shitless. but we're on good terms now. hopefully it stays this way because if then then i'm gonna be beyond pissed. anyways. school has been going okay. my grades are pretty good so far and im trying. but i have hw that needs to be done so peace out for now (:

a new day? maybe not

okay, so today has been okay? it wasn't bad but it wasn't great either. i've been sorta kinda texting clevon all day. i don't know whether that's a bad thing or not. yesterday he found out how i feel and he feels the same way. HOWEVER (and there is ALWAYS an however or but with me) he's already talking to someone. can you say FML??? like seriously. and i was really hoping that he wouldn't text me anymore. but he did. and honestly? i'm half excited that he did and a little annoyed that he did. he hasn't mentioned anything but i THINK that he tried to hint at it. cause he mentioned girls liking him like twice. but i just played it off and tried to go to another subject. bleh. i don't know if i can do this. i don't know if i can text him as if i don't feel anything for him. but i guess that i have to. i'm a tough girl (sorta). i think i can do this..

i'm trying to convince myself to focus on school once it starts. no boys. no distractions. no excuses. just me and school. just school and i. school starts in 3 days which doesnt give me much time to force myself to focus. especially when i like to use any excuse to put things off. but that ends today. school is more important then some boy. at least that's what i'm going to tell myself. today and last night erica was telling me the best advice that she could give me is to not fall in love at this age. and after seeing what happened between her and darrick, i understand. and i somewhat agree but that doesnt stop me from wanting what i want.

i hate feeling anything

okay so today i went to school and got my schedule. i got all the classes i wanted so i can't really complain. also, most of my classes are near eachother so i shouldn't get lost. but the one thing on my schedule that i couldn't find was my lunch? i know they didnt get rid of lunch lol. oh well, it's not like i really eat that crap anyways. i'll just bring a butt load of snacks and a bottle of water.

1st period: A.P. Psychology
2nd period: English 4 Honors
3rd period: Chemistry Honors
4th period: A.P. Economics
5th period: Law Studies
6th period: Algebra 2

i don't know what's wrong with me. :/ i have this thing were i like someone and when i finally tell them, either nothing happens or something happens but it doesn't go anywhere. i have a tendency to like guys that i dont really know all that well. (so i guess i cant really say that i like them? i think i just liked who i thought they were because once i got to know them, it was on to the next one.) but now things are different. i like someone that i know. someone that i've known since the 9th grade but never really gave a second thought. he used to date my ex (current?) best friend but they werent really serious. to me it seemed like she was trying too hard and he wasn't trying hard enough. there was a time when they were dating that mariah (the friend) pretended to be me and texted him from my phone. she was saying things like how i liked him and wanted to date him and have him break up with mariah. he believed it and actually went along with it. she got pissed and he tried to convince her that he didn't mean any of it. at the time i still didn't think of him in that way....or maybe i did but i didn't realize it. my friend shontel told me that she thinks that me and him would be a better fit than him and mariah were. that we'd be good for eachother.

he isn't the best looking guy in the world. but idk, i like him. but i keep fighting my feelings for him. it's not because i'm afraid of what could happen. it's because i'm afraid of what will happen when it all ends. that is, if it even begins. i keep saying that i'm hiding my feelings because he used to date a friend of mine. but honestly? i could care less about that.

it just seems like

lately i've been in somewhat of a funk. i've just been feeling kinda down? i've always known that i don't have alot of friends. and i've always liked it that way. but lately i've been feeling like that's a bad thing. that maybe i should've tried a little harder or been a little nicer so that i can make friends. but at the same time....i KNOW how people are. how they can be. and rarely does anything good ever come from it. imo, the more people that know you, the worse off you are. that's how shit gets started. and i've never been one for drama. i've always perferred to mind my own business. because i know how it feels to have someone all up in your business. and i've seriously considered dropping all the friends i have now and just starting over. except i think i'll keep rowan because she's pretty awesome. but most of the friends i have now just don't seem worth all the trouble.

well well well

sorry that i haven't really written much in here but honestly i havent really been in the mood. i don't really like typing a whole lot. my fingers start to feel sore. today i was with my sister and my dad. i thought that we were going to be with him for an hour tops. but turns out we were with him for about 3 hours. we went to go get lauren's id from the base, then we went to the exchange to just look around. then after that we went to the mall and ate chinese food in the food court. then after that we went to the library and i got like 6 books outta there. then he brought us back home. oh, and did i mention that he gave me $300 for school shopping? and then he said that he's going to give me about 300 or 400 more in two more weeks once he gets paid again. i also didnt expect to get that much money from him. cause honestly i was expecting about $100-$150 at least. i guess today is just filled with surprises. but anyways i promise that my next entry will be sooner and a whole lot longer lol i have a potato salad thats calling my name.

i need to find my way

as of right now, i have absolutely no idea what i want to be. just when i think i've got it all figured out, i start to doubt myself. i just can't seem to find anything that's right for me. i want a job where i can make a good amount of money (i'm talking 80,000 dollars and a year and more). a job where i can have time for myself and for my future family. and where i can have time just for myself. i just wish that i didn't doubt myself all the time. then maybe i could actually get things done. then maybe i could be a little more confident. then maybe i could move on.

where are you now?

i'm not sure how often i'll be posting in here. i've never been good with keeping journals and things like that. but i'm going to try and at least post in here 3 times a week. i like the idea of being able to come back years later and read the things that i wrote. i'm sure that everything that seems important now, i'll laugh about later. i mean, isn't that how life works? my life is pretty boring right now. i don't really have many friends. in fact, the only true friend that i have is my couisn endya. the rest are just whishy washy. i have erica, who i guess i consider to be my best friend. but lately she's been annoying me. she's so needy when it comes to boys and stuff like that. she lets them treat them however they want. it's pathetic if you ask me. you should NEVER need to have a guy to make you complete. i'm sorry but if you can't stand on your own, then you're shit outta luck. my other friend 'shontel' is somewhat of a bad influence. she smokes, drinks, parties and all that. and if i'm going to be totally honest, i don't really like her all that much. i think our so called friendship is mostly based on the fact that i use her and she's just too whatever to see it. but somehow i'm the only true friend she has which is actually pretty sad. and mariah? oh lord. i mean i like her. she's okay. and she's a whole lot of fun. but she's rarely ever serious. but i feel like if she could just become more serious then we could be friends again. i really do. she says that she misses me and i guess i miss her too. but idk. i'm not interested in being made a fool of again. for now i'm just approaching her with caution. now, kayla? she's very hard to read. sometimes i feel like she doesn't even like me. and fyi, you're not supposed to feel that way about your friend. but she's so freaking bipolar. one minute she's happy then the next she's sad or angry or whatever. it's like having to walk on eggshells around her because i don't want to upset her. and quite frankly i'm tired of it. so yeah, in a sense i'm all alone. i have some friends at middleburg....but none that i can really talk to or that or worth mentioning. le sigh. i really need to get out and make some new friends. but idk how. :(